rocky road.
15 September 2008 7:41:00 pm
rocky road.its been a long time since i last blogged. have been so so damn bee zee. its been two weeks since hall 6 DnD. it was great. seeing all my pageant babies going up on stage after all their hard work, i really felt very proud of them, they all did very well! it has been a fulfilling experience for me. after all the committee members put in so much effort into this DnD/pageant, its finally over :D the nite was MAD too. so much on going action during the after-party. i tink hall 6 ppl r mad. dblO drinks are dirt cheap and we had damn damn a lot of free drink coupons. woozy kids ((: sigh, the event was pretty nostalgic some wad, reminded me of last yr when all of us were on stage. ah wells, seeing them on stage while standing at the sidelines, i couldn't help but smile n grin from ear to ear. i'm so proud of all of your! ((:
i tink history is repeating itself, uni is a point where i've neva felt so bad bout myself in the academic aspect. dis sucks seriously but i've got no choice but to swallow this big fish ball for another 3 years. pls help the uni brain dead. mid terms this week and afta recess week. ARGH.
a very close fren of mine penned down this letter, this reflection on her thoughts(see below). it got me all sad and emo dat i was moved to tears. i felt so touched by her thoughtfulness and sacrificial love for this guy whom she neva tot she wld like. unrequited love. well, mayb not unrequited but a love she felt that was impossible. i understand exactly wad she is going thru now as i've been thru dis ordeal not too long ago. its still fresh in my mind but of the past as i can only look forward to the future with him ((: but as a close fren, i felt sad that this is happening to her. why her? she has such a kind heart and thoughtfulness which doesn't appear all cotton-candy sweet but is so sugary in the most secretive way, like your secret angel guarding you from behind the scenes. be strong my gal, its not worth it. you will definitely find a guy who will truly treasure and appreciate you for who you are, your heart, your character, yourself. we'll always be there for you no matter what. be strong.
and her story makes me wanna cherish him even more.it already seemed impossible, but somehow, a miracle... its been a super rocky start for us. but for all the tears i've cried for you, all the heartache i went thru, all the ambigutiy, dat one year, i'll persevere. i'll cherish you for as long as i can. dat only unique gal of urs <3
Her words, her thoughts, her heartfelt feelings:
I can’t put any words to it. This feeling, like butteflies in my stomach, a nausea feeling. So weird. Painful. Confusing. Hurting.
I won’t go so far to say that I am bleeding inside. But I am hurting. I did not know what to expect. I had no idea how it would be like and now that I am experiencing it, I had absolutely no idea how to handle.
What can I say after liking someone for who he really is? Till the very last bit of what he has, I embrace it all. Without any qualms or doubts, my subconscious-ness gave my heart away. The first time and the first one. He secured it. In a manner I myself never expect. I don’t expect reciprocity on his part. I hope for acknowledgement of some sort, as which girl can love him so much and so complete as I did. As I love every single aspect of him. His shortcomings and inadequacies I could no longer remember.
He is not perfect and will never be. But I let him in. I guess this is what they call love. I don’t expect him to feel the same. As long as he is happy, and whatever happens, I would want to keep that smile on his face. I gave you up so easily. I did not fight on because I want u to be happy. Please do. Be happy. And I will not regret my decision.
I cried so many times. What can I say after liking someone for the first time and so much? But things will not always go my way. I know that. Maybe God has a better plan for me. I know it is dumb to cry over you but somehow, right now, my tears seem worthless compared to you.
You chose her over me. That is your choice. I have no complaints. I don’t blame you at all. I think I like you too much. I just hope everything turns out right for you. I hope she is the right girl and deep down, she is the girl you always wanted.
Dumb. Some may say. But I have made this decision. I hope someone will appreciate and love me for who I am. Meanwhile, all I seriously hope for is for you to be happy. I will get over you. It is tough I know, hard and painful. But I will. I want to see you and still be able to smile and assure myself and say this with conviction: ‘ U make the right choice girl’.
Now, I am ending this with a full stop. This will put an end to the chapter. Easy to say but hard to fulfil. But I trust I will. It may not be soon but one day I will and when it happens, my tears will not be for you anymore. It will come out again but not for you, but for myself, and someone who is worth more for me to weep for.
Smile. Smile and let me know I make the right choice. I am going to end this now. And when I’m done, this is when and where I will move on.
Full-stop.
3.40am
15 September 2008
i love you. 05/09/08 <3
