my selfishness.
15 April 2007 10:27:00 am
selfish.that talk with shir over yong tau foo soup. oh so great. made me realise sth big time. she knocked some big rock on my gong dong head and made my eyes open wide to see the world after being so ignorant about whatever's been happening around me.
i suddenly feel so selfish. i am, so selfish, my whole entire life. friends are always giving in to me without even me realising. makes me feel like some small girl who can't grow up. i take my friends for granted and do not appreciate them. i'm not grateful to what they've done for me. so much so i want to be the best friend i can, showering them with love and concern, being selfless, i failed.
i don't know if i'm plain bimbotic blonde, an idiot or a bitch. gosh, how can i be so ignorant to what has been going on?! i don't even remember the words i say or realise what i have done would lead to such a terrible situation. maybe i chose to ignore the reality of the situation and carry on with that nonchalance..until it's too late. i don't even realise that i've changed. the old ching, non-existent? i guess sometimes we have to move on from where we are and we'll evolved into someone new, change a lil due to the new lifestyle we pick up with the new friends we hang out with. but is the change in me that big that even i couldn't realise? she made me realise my partying ways every weekend or fortnightly has changed my entire lifestyle and caused me some of my friendships. has my total attitude changed too? the way i speak, the words i use, my actions, the way i behave. i do not think i can find back the old ching because once we move off from that phase, how are we to step back into the past again? but i hope the ching that always listens, be there for you and is a call away, is what you think of me, because i treasure you so much and you're my only lifetime BFF. i felt misunderstood at times, because there wasn't any ill intentions to whatever i said. our miscommunication. maybe you can't figure me out anymore because you don't know who i am anymore. maybe at times i was too frank, too tactless, too ignorant. i got no excuse, not going to cover up for myself. i was plain selfish. i only wanted to be that perfect friend to everyone, which i failed to. too caught up.
sometimes i wonder why friends come and go. you envy those who still can "effortlessly" keep in contact with so many people. it really amazes you, and you look at yourself, say omg and shoot yourself. sec sch friends i've lost along the way and thought i could keep in contact with them forever, we promised remember? but somehow those promises don't hold. seriously, should i compare myself to others? so who will i be meeting up with 5 years down the road? another group of new friends? no lifetime friends? worrying.
wednesday. goodbye dinner for roy. we ate at crystal jade la mian xiao long bao, holland v. food wasn't very good that night. dumpling skins super thick, meat filling was LOUSY. crystal jade is so overrated. we should have just eaten lamian. i ate a total of TEN different kind of huge dumplings! then we had a statue-of-liberty looking ice cream at gelare ((: heaven. bye bye botak roy!
shopped with my dear bitch yesterday. we're both so disgusting. we were suppose to meet at 3pm, but we were both late and met at 4pm at marina square instead. i need a wardrobe overhaul. it was MAD MAD RETAIL THERAPY. Bought a dress from topshop, shorts and a stripped spag top from Fox, a denim skirt from mango and a cute lil monster tee from zara. total bill, hmmm, i shall not say. madness! couldn't control myself, reina was like, "yes ching, get it, buy it." i did it again ): impulsive shopaholic. i saw this gorgeous gold pointeeee flats from zara. i'm swooning over it. its 89.90 bucks. i must save more ((: then we didn't have time for dinner cauz rei had to rush off. we had ice cream at
Azabusabo. it states "healthy and low fat". you all gotta try it! it's amazing. my first time trying it and the taste is just right. not too sweet. i had dark chocolate and rei had green tea flavour. omg, it was like drinking green tea itself. taste was light and not creamy at all. we're happy gals ((:
i got CN-yang scholars interview at NTU next thursday. i'm shaking all over. pretty scared actually. pray for me dear all. i really need the scholarship. i'll just not worry, do my preparation and leave everything to Him. he won't short change anyone of your. believe, trust, have faith and it will given unto you.
i'm off to church!
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time to clear a little space in the corners of my mind
[Haley Bennett & Hugh Grant]
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make through without a way back into love
Oh
