enduring pain
25 February 2006 12:26:00 am
enduring pain.juz finished bathin.was out with yw 4 dinner afta training. ((: he gotta bk out juz now in e nite.tot my ankle was ok alr,so i took out e` bandage on tues,now,its gettin from bad 2 worse.its stil swollen n hurts like shit.feels dam tight.argh.juz feel like choppin off my ankle.some ppl kp sayin/teasin dat i fake.fake dat my ankle's stil injured.so i guess i was bein over-sensitive,too self-conscious,thus,i decided 2 take out e bandage.wrong move there.& now my ankle's not healin,all cauz of e` fact i mind wad others say bout me,tho dey may b jokin.hate myself 4 not takin care of my ankle.hate it dat i can play nt wk's frenly against nyjc.hate myself dat my ankle's not healin.hate it dat it hurts like hell.hate it dat i can't train 4 a period of time.hate it dat i can exercise.grrrr.imma big fat complain queen :/ hahai realise my work load is reali pilin up.ok,4 econs,i've been like slpin thru all mdm khoo's lectures.ok,seriously,i do try 2 stay awake so dat i can listen.but i juz CAN'T.ponned a few of econs lectures too. physics-the best.ponn lecture for 3whole topics.i feel like shit now.so much catchin up 2do.n yes,i try very very hard 2 stay awake durin phy since i ponn e lectures,but den,i doze off again.mdm ong muz tink i'm such an ass.tink ms lee is v disappointed in me.she wrote me a small note regardin my bad slpin habit.she told me 2 respect myself by not slpin durin her lessons.i felt so horrid dat she made me realise,i am repeatin exactly wad happened last yr.missing out so mani impt points durin lessons juz cauz i doze off half way. its no use when ppl hit my back 2 wake me up,cauz i juz go right straight baq 2 slumberland.DORC,where r u? ain't u suppose 2 b ere 2 wake me up?no one's wakin me up now.i'm left here 2 die n do my own self study cauz i miss out in lectures n tutorials.dorc,wad u sae was true,u wun b here animore 2 tap me awake,it all depends on myself now..i'm on my own...gonna slp now.2mr got ting's b'dae dinner.my wkend's packed.i can prepare 2 die when i sch starts on mon."so i'm gonna be a nun for the next 8mths n abstain from worldy pleasures"-an advice from denise yeo. yes,i'm gonna b a nun.i'm gonna visit e monastry 2mr.my hot fav.sugar 2 my ears.Free Loop by daniel powterI'm a little used to calling outside your name
I wont see you tonight so I can keep from going insane
But I don't know enough, I get some kinda lazy day
Hey yeah
I've been fabulous through to fight my town a name
I'll be stooped tomorrow if I don't leave as them both the same
But i dont know enough, I get some kinda lazy day
Hey yeah
Cause it's hard for me to lose
In my life I've found only time will tell
And I will figure out that we can baby
We can do a one night stand, yeah
And it's hard for me to lose in my life
I've found outside your skin right near the fire
That we can baby
We can change and feel alright
I'm a little used to wandering outside the rain
You can leave me tomorrow if it suits you just the same
But I don't know enough, i need sun when it leaves the day
Hey yeah
Cause it's hard for me to lose
In my life I've found only time will tell
And I will figure out that we can baby
We can do a one night stand, yeah
And it's hard for me to lose in my life
I've found outside your skin right near the fire
That we can baby
We can change and feel alright
Cause it's hard for me to lose
In my life I've found only time will tell
I will figure out that we can baby
We can do a one night stand, yeah
And it's hard for me to lose in my life
I've found outside your skin right near the fire
That we can baby
We can change and feel alright
Cause it's hard for me to lose
In my life I've found only time will tell
And I will figure out that we can baby
We can do a one night stand, yeah
And it's hard for me to lose in my life
I've found outside your skin right near the fire
That we can baby
We can change and feel alright
Daughter to father, daughter to father.
19 February 2006 9:37:00 am
Daughter to father, daughter to father .
juz quarrelled wit my dad n grandfather.2 against 1.theres so much angst in me now.i'm fuming.i can feel my veins rushin wit red HOT blood.rushin to my brain.my fist trembles in anger n sadness.n i tot our fist wld onli tremble in fear.i clench it so tightly n press it against the table,ready to strike anitime if i can't take it,animore.am i your disappointment or did you made me your disappointment.is it right 2 sae ur disappointed me too?
respect
u tok bout respect. grandpa shouted in some freakin canto language at me n said dat none of his children(which is includin my dad) eva shouted baq @ him n neva showed him disrespect.his words shot out like super piercing daggers.yes,straight at my heart.so u juz scold me in ur freakin canto so i wldn't understan ur chim canto?call me the naughtiest.say dat i dun haf respect 4 my dad.wad bout YOU? do u respect ur own wife now,my grandma?!?teachin ur children 2 respect means respectin ur wife too RIGHT? grandma's in a senile state now of senile dementia or Alzheimer dementia n you use ur stupid filty hand to hit/slap her on her head n face juz cauz she makes so much noise everydae?? do u tink she wants to suffer e` fate of senile dementia?she din bring it upon herself.my father did.yes,senile dementia can't be halted or prevented.but early detection can slow down the process of a person becomin more n more senile.mayb if you, DAD took big sis' advice earlier to bring her 4 a check up/early detection years ago,her memory wun b so bad now,her senile dementia wldn't haf sped up like an accelerator.n do YOU stop ur own father from hittin his own wife ALL the time? NO.u dare me not to sae dat u dun stop grandpa from hittin grandma?evrytime grandma cries n screams out in pain,wad do i do?i shout @ him 2 stop.is respect a priority now?NO, its NOT.u're hurtin my grandma.tho i feel so helpless cauz its not like grandpa wil stop hittin grandma immediately,i wanna do my part as her grand daughter n protect her from filty things.so DAD,u see now,respect isn't a priority.and i tot grandpa taught u 2 respect ppl,why isn't grandpa practising wad he preach?am i suppose 2 follow by "example"? wad kind of "example" is dis? if i follow his kind of "respect",it will lead me 2 self-destruction.
character
DAD,and u tok bout my character n how i dun show respect to u n grandpa.if u realise,i dun shout @ mom animore.why?mom doesn't call me stupid idiotic names u use on me.mom toks 2 me nicely n when i do things wrongly,does mom use her emotions 2 overcome e situation n vent her frustration on me to tell me i'm wrong?NO,she doesn't,YOU do.she doesn't tink i'm a freakin idiot juz cauz i made a mistake.she doesn't put me down or be-little me when i make mistakes.wad do u alwaes call me? stupid,idiot,bloody idiot,bloody hell...e list goes on.e most vivid thing i rmb is how u threatened to use a bamboo pole 2whack me.i wil neva 4get dat.i dunno who's now in the position 2forgive. but i wil neva forgive u,cauz u caused me too much hurt.u r so demeanin 2wards me.but i reject dat.i'm not gonna fall so easily.i'm not gonna make e same mistakes u made in life.dat is to haf a bad relationship wit ur children. wad eva i turn out to be reflects on you.dat is,if i show disrrespect,mayb u're partly at fault.but i dun wanna b some1 who reflects ur character,neva.yes,now i can differentiate right from wrong.but do u noe grandpa was e` one dat taught us 2 shout @ ppl,cauz he shouted at us evrydae when we were juz small lil kids.when young,we dunno wad's right or wrong,we juz pick up.pick up good n bad habits unknowingly.we're innocent.n u as a FATHER,u were suppose 2 teach us,n stop HIM from bein a bad influence on us.but u din..u forgot dat huh.grandpa had an abusive behaviour towards us too,me especially.causing a bloody wound on me,i tink u 4got bout dat.mayb u juz neva cared.isn't it inevitable dat we'll pick it up?but r we dat bad now?am i not makin u proud?did i do v badly in my studies?in sec sch,i topped my sec3 class durin mid yr.i wenta 2nd best class in sec2.i qualified for four sub class in jc n i'm stil doin 4sub now.i neva scored e` last.does dat make u proud?haf u eva praised me?NO.u neva,u onli focused on my faults n how i displease u.but i stil produce results.mayb e results r juz for mom huh.sometimes its as tho u dun exist cauz its as tho u're outa my life.u got no involvement in it.u alwaes sae i provoke u.but do u do e same unto me?do wad u want others to do unto you.wld it b right if i sae a father provoke her daughter too?u noe u haf a way 2 irritate me wit ur stupid assholefied words.u juz dig dat,all e time.u carry on like no one's business.
DAD,sometimes,i juz wish we cld be normal.tok like i was ur gd daughter.sometimes we are act normal. but u juz hafta start e` viscious cycle by makin a big fuss outa my small mistakes.its my fault @ times when i over react n shout baq @ u when u din.but haf u eva realise dat wadeva u've done from e past alr amounted to sth so much it can't be cleared.i react so violently 2wards u cauz i perceive u're gona sae sth demeanin n hurtin 2 me,so i defend myself.its reached a pt of no return,cauz u juz do it over n over again till u can't turn baq time.so when u try 2 b nice sometimes,i wil not take it in n wil juz assume u're bein an asshole.and i noe it hurts when i sae those hurtin words to u too,but dun act strong.u're juz puttin up a strong front,a masquerade, cauz u dun wana b a pussy.but i'm ur daughter,if u break down,i'm not gonna laugh at u.i dunno why do we kp hurtin each other.mayb time wil heal all the wounds we've caused on each other,cauz our quarrellin wil neva stop till e dae i move out of dis house..
u made me cry the most.
juz some song i tot of.not much link tho.
Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)
by Lindsay Lohan
I wait for the postman to bring me a letter
I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Family in crisis that only grows older
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am broken but I am hoping
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am crying, a part of me is dying and
These are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
I wear all your old clothes, the old polo sweater
I dream of another you the one who would never
never Leave me alone to pick up the pieces
A daddy to hold me, that’s what I needed
So why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don’t know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me
Cause these are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
Of a broken heart
I love you, I love you
I love you,I,
I love you,
Daughter to father
Daughter to father
I dont know you
But I still want to
Daughter to father
Daughter to father
Tell me the truth
Did you ever love me
Did you ever love me
These are... the confessions of a broken heart
Ohhhh... yeah
And I waited for the postman to bring me a letter
[soft tears]
sorry.
16 February 2006 7:39:00 pm
sorryok,my blog's kinda gone.diary-x.com got some system failure,so it juz crashed on me! all e` diary-x blogs r gone.even ade's.ALL.so i'm here wit my new blog.evry1 link me!!!link link link.ytd,it was horrid training.while playin game,tripped over MJ's boots.n fell on my ankle.it made a loud crack sound.it hurt like shit @ 1st,tink i over reacted.haha,sorry rogues.juz lay ere like some idiot whining in pain.den when i stood up 2 walk,it was like ok.stil can wobble about.den sat down 2 rest.e` ankle started 2 swell n hurt.it b came swollen.cldn't walk or rest my foot on e ground.luckily i got a lift from mich 2 KAP's bus stop den cabbed home.din hadta walk outa sch,if not i wld haf juz died.din go 2 sch 2dae.i cant walk.ankle reali hurts now.wenta c e doc 2dae.took x-ray.dey said it may b a minor fracture.not reali sure tho.hafta go baq 2mr 4 e` confirmed report.i hate stayin @ home.i miss sch.not e` lectures tho.no more runnin about 4 me :/ no more training 4 awhile:/ i wana shop!!i noe it hurts you 2 noe my feeling's fading cauz i'm gettin tired.not tired of u.tired of e amountin probs.and to find out dat i haf a serious committment prob onli now.mayb i'm too used 2 my care-free life.of not needin 2 care bout my anothr half.which is you.but i stil do care 4 u.if i dun,i wldn't haf been so frank 2 u.i rather tell u now,than 2 tell u when its too late,n it'll hurt even more.i juz can't commit myself.i dun wana force myself @ e same time i dun wana hurt some1 so dear like u.i'm reali tryin my best now.i noe i'm such a disappointment.but i tink sometimes we take things too seriously.sometimes,we shld take things on a lighter note n juz b happy.mayb things wil b beta dat way.i noe nth i do can make it up 2 u.but i nd more time.i gotta sought out my feelings.i dun wana carry on hurtin` u.at e same time i'll try my best.sorry is all i can say.
